Why My Blog Sucks (right now)…

5 Dec

A blog is a pretty easy thing. The only criteria for having one, is that you need to have a computer, access to the internet and maybe a camera to take some pretty pictures (note that wit, intelligence and good grammar are not prerequisites). Unfortunately this is too much for a simple soul such as myself.

The Computer

I have an absolute phobia of the dentist. It is unreasonable, it is largely unfounded, and it is mostly unexplainable; but more importantly it is absolutely undeniable. The last drug free visit to the dentist resulted in a solid 2 hours of crying. This was very embarrassing for me and for the dentist. The time before that, I bit the dentist. The dentist is a friend of ours, which made ┬ádinner parties awkward for a few months. For my last dentist appointment, I decided to accept the Ativan and have a phobia free afternoon. This meant finding someone who could babysit me – which would include driving me home and making sure I did not go on a mildly stoned internet shopping bender.

I chose my friend Monika to help me with this task. I’d like to tell you that this was a careful decision, where I compared the highly responsible qualities of my many friends and chose the best woman for the job. But, that’s a lie. Monika is the only friend I have that works from home and can be at my beck and call. I gave her 2 important instructions: get me home and don’t let me wreck anything.

Once I had been dutifully transported from dentist chair to sofa, I began my favorite afternoon activity – soap opera watching. Because soap operas take such a small amount of brain power, I also thought it would be a good idea to play on my computer. This is a normal occurrence – television on, computer in lap. Unfortunately, in my semi-lucid state, it was more like: television on, potato chips in lap (on floor, in sweater, etc…), pepperoni sticks in pocket, mouth partially agape with some mild drool, dog going crazy, computer half on sofa/half on dog toy; and Monika bored playing on her iPhone. A few minutes later, the tableau had barely changed – with the small exception of computer on sofa, dog on computer.

When I initially heard the snap and saw the screen disintegrate into black – I found it wildly amusing. Shortly after, I fell asleep. By the time I woke up that evening, all the effects of Ativan worn off, it was too late for discipline.

The Internet

This one is really not my fault. I barely understand how the internet works. All I know is that at one time, I could log into the internet anywhere in my house. Then, suddenly, without warning, whatever let me do that disappeared and we had to plug into a long 2005-ish blue cord that emerged from behind the couch. Unfortunately, this cord was exactly 23 meters, and 2 walls away from my screen-less computer, which needed to be plugged into the television.

The Camera

I’ve tried to figure out how to make this not my fault. I could tell tales of fierce pickpockets that attacked me on the streets of Portland. Or I could weave stories about broken bits and freeze cracked lenses. But, the sad truth is that I am a very irresponsible 30-something year old. I don’t know where the camera went. One day I had it. One day I didn’t. I may someday rediscover it hidden in a bag, or stuffed inside of a pair of mittens; but for now it’s gone, along with a memories card with my last month’s adventures.